


I Can't Breathe Without You

by Hope15



Series: Mayward Week 2020 [3]
Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Luke Maybank's A+ Parenting, M/M, Mama Heyward is a god send, sad boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:26:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26891392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hope15/pseuds/Hope15
Summary: Pope breaks up with JJ because he loves him. It makes more sense in his head.Part of Mayward Week 2020: Day 3: "How much of that did you here?" + Angst
Relationships: JJ/Pope (Outer Banks)
Series: Mayward Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1957246
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	I Can't Breathe Without You

JJ was drowning. He could feel the air being pushed out his lungs, cold water rushing in, all illusions of surviving are gone. His head is pounding, every cell in his body is screaming for oxygen. Screaming for someone to save him. If someone doesn’t grab a hold of him soon the darkness will swallow him whole. JJ is drowning. Only he wasn't underwater. He is standing in the middle of Pope’s bedroom. The word “Breakup” ringing in his ears over and over again, blocking out all other words that escape Pope’s mouth.

He knows Pope is still talking. Probably trying to justify his reasoning behind the declaration but, JJ can’t breathe let alone listen. He’s crying. They both are. Silent tears stream down both of their faces. Pope continues to speak but he doesn’t touch him. He makes no move to comfort JJ. To put his arms around him or wipe his cheeks or anything else that Pope would normally do when JJ was hurting. Then again, Pope had always been the one to cure JJ of his pain, never the one to cause it. Not until now. 

“I’m doing this because I love you.” Pope’s voice was strained. He didn’t sound like himself. “I can’t ask you to wait for me J, that’s not fair,” JJ tried to breathe, he needed to form a counter-argument for the million reasons he had for Pope to not do this. “Stop,” Was all he could come up with. 

He didn’t know if he meant to stop talking or stop coming up with bullshit reasons that were not and never would make him feel better. He knew he needed Pope, needed him the way people needed air to breathe. Pope was his oxygen. Pope didn’t need him. Not like that. “J I love you so much,” JJ couldn’t take it any longer, he flung himself at Pope because if he didn’t his legs would have given out anyway and he would be on the ground. He buried his face in Pope’s neck, breathing in the familiar scent. Breathing. He could breathe again. “Then stop doing this,” JJ’s voice was muffled. 

Pope sobbed into JJ’s hair and held him as close as he possibly could. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to wait for me. I want you to be able to do whatever you want, with whoever you want,” The words burned his tongue as they came out. The thought of JJ with someone else made his stomach turn, but he knew it was how it had to be. 

_ “My son is a good boy, I never gave him a family and he deserves one,”  _ The words of JJ’s father rang through his ears. He told him about how JJ deserved a pretty wife and cute kids in a normal home. JJ never knew normal. He deserved a happy normal.  _ “All you’re gonna do is ruin my boy's life. Even more than I already did. You’re gonna take away every shot he has of being a real man with a good family.”  _ When Luke Maybank cornered him in the middle of his father's store, just minutes before closing, telling him that he knew what he’d been doing with his son, Pope fully expected to leave in a body bag. He didn’t expect Luke to tell him that he wanted better for his son. That he wanted him to have all the things that he had never given him. All of the things that deep down Pope knew he couldn’t give him either.  _ “If you love him. If you care about him at all, you’ll end it. You’ll leave this island with him on it and never look back. Give  _ _ him a fighting chance at a good life.”  _

JJ hook his head and clung to Pope. His bottom lip quivered and a silent sob burned his throat, fighting to escape. Pope fought off every instinct in his body to continue holding onto JJ, to stroke his hair, and kiss away his tears and make all of his pain go away. He couldn’t do that, he was doing this for JJ. “You need to leave J,” Pope whispered, and his grip on the crying boy loosened. “It has to happen now.” 

The image of JJ’s heartbroken face lifting off his shoulder was something that would haunt Pope for years to come. JJ’s mouth opened like he wanted to say something but more tears only slipped down his cheeks. He looked at Pope for a few more seconds before running out his bedroom door and slamming it behind him. That was the last time Pope saw JJ for several months. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pope used almost every excuse in the book to get out of coming home once he started college. The drive was too long to come back on weekends, exams kept him from returning for Thanksgiving, but nothing, no excuse in the world could convince Mama Heyward to not see her baby on Christmas. 

It’s not that Pope didn’t want to see his parents, he missed them like crazy. He just wasn’t sure if he could handle running into JJ. He hadn’t seen or heard from him since the breakup and his mind hadn’t stopped thinking about the look on JJ’s face the last time he saw him. College was supposed to be an escape. It was something that Pope had been reaching for since ninth grade, but as soon as he got there it felt like hell. He hadn’t had an appetite in five months and the most he’d really ever sleep was about four hours and that was on a good night.

He missed JJ. He missed waking up with him in his arms and hearing the sound of his laugh. He missed their hour-long talks and stupid inside jokes. He missed everything. He wasn’t sure the day would ever come where he didn’t. 

He barely had time to step onto the front porch before his mother wrapped him in her arms hugging him as if he’d just returned from war. “Oh, my sweet baby boy!” She cried “Goodness I missed you so much,” Pope let out a laugh, the best he could with his mother’s arms cutting off most of his oxygen. “I missed you too mama.” He smiled into her hair. He really did miss her. He heard his father laugh and felt a strong familiar hand on his shoulder. “Now honey let the boy breathe.” He told his wife with zero bite in his voice. With that his mother reluctantly let him go and placed her hands on his cheeks, taking him in. His father kissed the top of his head and brought him in for a hug. “We missed you son.” Pope wrapped his arms around his father, embracing the familiar safety of his strong arms. “I missed you Pops.”

“Now your get butt inside and let’s get you something to eat,” Mrs.Heyward put her arm around her son, leading him into the home. “You’re so skinny, baby! Are they even feeding you at that school?” Mr. Heyward scoffed. “They better be feeding him good for what that school costs.” Pope smiled weakly at this.  _ They feed me fine, mama, I just can’t eat. _

After practically force-feeding Pope a sandwich, Mrs. Heyward sat across from her son at the kitchen table, demanding to know everything about how college was going. “There’s not really much to tell Mama. When I’m not in class I’m mostly just sitting in my room doing homework.” He knew that this wasn’t what his mother wanted to hear but he was too exhausted to lie to her.

Mrs. Heyward made a solemn face and straightened up in her seat. “Well, you know JJ has been helping your daddy out at Heywards,” She stated in a composed tone while taking a sip of her warm tea. “He’s been doing very good work.” She looked at her son from the corner of her eye.

Pope perked up at the mention of JJ’s name and cleared his throat. “Oh...um...well that’s...that’s really good I’m proud of him.” Pope missed his mother’s knowing smile from over her mug. “Does he um…” Pope scratched the back of his head and looked down at the table, suddenly very interested in the years-old coffee stains. “Does he ever ask about me?” Pope ran his finger around the ring of one of the stains, not meeting his mother’s eyes. “Almost every day.” She replied gently.

Pope couldn’t fight the small smile that formed on his cheeks. The thought that even after hurting him, JJ still cared about Pope. It truly showed what an amazing person he was. “He’s been staying over at the Routledge house the past couple months,” She informed him. “Of course most nights he’s over here,” Pope looked at his mother confused and she chuckled lightly “He’s been keeping me and your daddy company. I told him how much I missed having three people around the table at dinner and you know how sweet he is,” Mrs. Heyward waved her hand in the air and trailed off. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t come home more Mama,” Pope whispered, “I promise I’ll start coming back at least once a month.” Mrs. Heyward reached over and placed a comforting hand on her son’s cheek. “What’s the matter, baby?” She asked gently. “What’s been eating you up so much that you won’t come home?” 

Pope chewed on the inside of his cheek. He didn’t want to cry in front of his mom. Ever since he was a little boy anytime he cried she did too. She said she “Always felt his pain” he figures she probably did, considering the fact that she always knew the moment something was bothering him. “I just…” Pope let out a deep sigh. “I miss him, Mom,” Tears formed in his eyes. “I miss him so much I can’t stand it. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, half the time I can’t even think.” Mrs. Heyward wiped the tears off of her son’s cheeks. “And so why don’t you tell him that?” She asked calmly.

Pope shook his head. “Because Mom, he deserves better than me. Because he’s the kind of person that eats dinner with his ex’s parents so that they don’t feel lonely,” He sniffed “And I’m the kind of person that breaks the love of my life’s heart with zero explanation.” Pope looked up at his mom “He deserves better than me Mama,” He cried “He deserves a wife and a family and all I want is for him to be happy and I can’t do that for him...I can’t be that for him.” 

Mrs. Heyward pulled her son into her arms and rubbed his back soothingly “Baby…” She started before slowly letting go when she looked into the doorway. “Oh...Hi JJ.” She smiled brightly. Pope’s eyes shot open and he instinctively wiped his face and hid behind his mother. “Oh sweetheart I forgot to mention,” She lightly tapped herself on the head. “JJ is joining us for dinner. Isn’t that great?” She smiled behind her at her son who was standing there dumbfounded looking anywhere that wasn’t at the blonde in the doorway. 

“Well, I am just going to leave you two boys to catch up,” She began making her way out of the kitchen “I’m sure you two have lots to talk about.” She winked and gave JJ a kiss on the cheek before exiting. 

Pope finally looked up to meet JJ’s eyes and he felt like for the first time in five months he could breathe again. “Um...So,” Pope cleared his throat nervously  **“How much of that did you here?”** The two didn’t break eye contact as JJ started walking closer to Pope. “Enough,” He whispered and was now right in front of Pope. Pope could smell him, the wonderful scent of the ocean mixed with body spray and another scent that Pope could only ever really describe as “JJ”. 

“I missed you,” Pope whispered and couldn’t stop the tear that trickled down his cheek. JJ instinctively reached up and wiped the tear away. “That makes two of us,” JJ whispered back and his lips parted. “Why did you do that?” JJ knew his voice wasn’t steady as he spoke. “I don’t know I was stupid,” Pope breathed out and the boys instantly closed the gap between them. 

They kissed as if the other was oxygen and they hadn’t been able to breathe in months. In truth, they hadn’t. Pope lost his hands in JJ’s hair while JJ wrapped his arms around Pope’s waist pulling his body impossibly close to his own. 

“You’re my family,” JJ breathed into Pope’s mouth, not daring to break the kiss. “You’re my everything.” Pope tasted salty tears in his mouth and he wasn’t sure if they were his or JJ’s or both. “I don’t want a fucking wife Pope I want you.” JJ kissed Pope’s tear-soaked cheek “You,” He kissed his other cheek “You,” His nose “You,” His lips. “You ever think about what I want huh?” JJ gripped Pope’s shoulders “I just want you.” 

JJ brought his hands up to cup JJ’s cheeks “I’m sorry. I should have talked to you. I’m sorry.” he sobbed and kissed JJ again. They had much more to talk about, much more to discuss. They had problems to work out and months to catch up on, but they had the rest of their lives to do it. Right now all either of them needed was to cling to the other in the middle of the Heyward’s kitchen. 

**Author's Note:**

> Mayward Week Day 3!! I'm a day late sorry. This one was hard to write cause I don't like to see my boys sad but the angst demanded it.


End file.
